# Examples — Editing and Proofreading House Style ## Contents - Sentence-level pairs (pass 3) - The hedge/intensifier cut list - Complete worked example (four passes on one paragraph) - Voice-preservation pairs - Gotchas ## Sentence-level pairs (pass 3) | ❌ Before | ✅ After | |---|---| | A decision was made by the committee to postpone the launch. | The committee postponed the launch. | | We conducted an analysis of the results. | We analyzed the results. | | It is important to note that costs have seen an increase. | Costs rose 12%. | | There are three factors that determine pricing. | Three factors determine pricing. | | The implementation of the migration was completed successfully. | The migration is done. | ## The hedge/intensifier cut list Cut on sight unless load-bearing: *very, really, quite, rather, somewhat, fairly, basically, essentially, actually, arguably, it seems that, I think that* (in formal prose), *in order to* (→ to), *due to the fact that* (→ because), *at this point in time* (→ now), *each and every* (→ every). ## Complete worked example — four passes on one paragraph **Original (87 words):** > It is worth noting that, over the course of the past several months, our > team has been engaged in the process of evaluating a number of different > options with respect to our hosting infrastructure. Basically, after a > really thorough analysis was conducted, it was determined by the team that > a migration to the new provider would potentially be capable of delivering > significant cost savings. The security implications were also looked at. > It is our belief that this migration should be undertaken in Q4. - **Pass 1 (structure):** recommendation last → moves first. - **Pass 2 (paragraph):** one idea = "migrate in Q4 because it saves money and is secure"; evaluation history is background, compresses to a clause. - **Pass 3 (sentences):** passives → active; "engaged in the process of evaluating" → "evaluated"; cut *basically, really, potentially, it is our belief that*. - **Pass 4 (mechanics):** "significant cost savings" has no number — flag: `[verify: how much?]`. **Edited (34 words, −61%):** > We should migrate to the new hosting provider in Q4. After evaluating four > options over three months, the team found it saves [verify: how much?] per > year and passed our security review. ## Paragraph-level example (pass 2 — first-sentence skim test) **❌ Fails the skim test** (first sentences: "There are several things to consider." / "Another point is worth mentioning." / "Finally, some context."): the skim yields nothing. **✅ Passes** — first sentences alone tell the story: > Migrating in Q4 costs less than waiting. […] > The security review found no blockers. […] > The one real risk is the December code freeze. […] If the skim summary and the document's argument differ, either the first sentences are weak (fix them) or the paragraphs argue something the document doesn't claim (restructure — back to pass 1). ## Voice-preservation pairs **❌ Voice flattened (over-edit):** - Author: "Look — nobody wakes up excited about expense reports." - Editor rewrite: "Expense reporting is generally considered tedious." **✅ Voice kept, clarity edited:** - Author: "Look — nobody wakes up excited about expense reports, and that's precisely the exact reason we automated every single part of it end-to-end." - Edit: "Look — nobody wakes up excited about expense reports. That's why we automated all of it." *(rhythm kept, redundancy cut)* ## Gotchas - **Editing quotes** — never touch quoted speech beyond bracketed clarifications; flag suspected transcription errors instead. - **The 10–20% cut on already-tight text** — if a text genuinely resists cutting, say so; the target is a heuristic, not a quota to fake. - **"Passive voice is always wrong"** — no: "The suspect was arrested" beats "Officers arrested the suspect" when the actor is irrelevant. Cut passives that hide accountability, keep passives that focus correctly. - **Consistency traps for pass 4:** e-mail/email, USD 5k/$5,000/5 000 $, Oxford comma on/off, capitalized job titles. Pick the file's dominant convention and enforce it; don't import your own. - **Grammar-checker artifacts** — mechanical tools flag long correct sentences and miss wrong numbers. Pass 4 is human judgment plus verification, not a spell-check transcript.